October 4th will always be a difficult day for me. It has been 6 years since I lost my mom and so much has changed since then. Every year I expect it to get easier but deep down I have come to accept that there will always be a part of me that will remain empty without her here. I’ve shared many things about my mom over the years, but not many people know that my sister and I did not have much opportunity to spend time with her as kids. It had nothing to do with her not making time for us, instead it was because she and my dad wanted the best for us. Giving us “the best” meant working 12 hour days 6 days a week in the NICU. You would think a woman who started her day at 4am and returned home at 8 would be too tired to prepare a home cooked meal, but I cannot recall a day in my childhood in which I ever ate leftovers for dinner. THAT my friends is how awesome she was. Because of her, we had opportunities that many people only dream of. We had it easy (almost too easy) and I see my laziness creep up now and then because I have become so accustomed to the comfortable life mom’s hard work afforded me. THANK YOU MOM. In her short time here, she touched so many lives (especially mine). I could tell you countless stories of random people contacting me and sharing how she helped them in some way. Exercising kindness and putting others before herself came naturally to her and now I know why she always had the hookup lol.
Oh how I miss her, but I have a story for you…
The night Derek and I got engaged, I was beyond thrilled. I know an engagement is supposed to be a happy occasion but I couldn’t help but long for my mom in that moment. I quietly cried myself to sleep that night because all I wanted to do was call her and let her in on the exciting news. I also dreaded the fact that she would not be a part of this important step in my life. If you knew my mom, you would know how much she loves to host a party. It was so strange to not have her by my side during the wedding planning process, but luckily I have the best sister in the world who stepped up to the plate and stood in her place. I decided that if she couldn’t be there, then I would make her a part of every minute that day. In her honor we got married at Camp Lucy, played her favorite song”In My Life” by the Beatles during the procession, and made sure we served food worthy of her approval.
In the months leading up to the big day, I would google “how to not cry at your wedding” as I assumed that I would be a complete mess without her there. The suggestions on the internet were so crazy and I finally came to terms with the fact that I would be doing the ugly cry all the way to the altar. The strangest thing happened that day. I woke up feeling completely calm and relaxed. Unlike most weddings, there was no frantic scramble, yelling, or drama, and I had to pinch myself several times to make sure it wasn’t too good to be true. When it came time to walk down the aisle I came prepared with a vintage handkerchief fastened to my bouquet ready to do the ugly cry at any second, but something came over me in that moment. I strangely did not feel like breaking down and instead experienced a sense of peace and sheer joy-no crying necessary. Everything went off without a hitch (well, except for forgetting my veil oops! Mom would not have been so happy about that). In the months following the wedding, I have replayed that moment over and over again in my head and have not been able to figure out why I didn’t cry… until last night. It was then I realized that mom was there the whole time- in the details, in the friends and family present, and in me. She has been gone for six years but continues to live on in our hearts like she never left. On this day I want to give everyone who knew and loved her a big hug, especially my sister who has gone through this crazy ride alongside me.
Mom, not a day goes by that I don’t think about you. I love and miss you so much.
If you have any lovely memories of her, please share them in the comments section. I would love to hear them.Share This Post•••